The Plow
Admit it, every time you visit your local sex store you look up and down the aisles and are secretly ashamed and disgusted that there's not a single toy that can also double as some kind of medieval siege weapon.Lucky for you, some perverse engineers thought the same thing and nipped that problem in the bud. As with all of the devices on this list, we'll leave it to your imagination as to what the thing looks like in use.
Fun Website Quote
"This machine is so smooth, quiet and easy to use it allows you to focus more on your pleasure and less on your mechanical abilities."
Sexy Sadist Cock Ring
For those of us who prefer not to have metal spikes jammed in our units, it probably keeps a mean grip on hot dogs when you're cooking over an open fire.
Fun Website Quote
"Imagine the look on your boy toy's face when he wants to feel that pleasure but something else is keeping him from fully realizing his arousal."
Disposable Canned Vagina
Fun Website Quote
"Complete with lubricant, this disposable pussy will leave you wanting more!"
Teddy Bear Vibe
Fun Website Quote
"Your pussy is a play thing and this wireless teddy is the one to play with."
Goo Gobblin' Granny
Fun Website Quote
"Mature kink love doll comes with her own false teeth."
Fearsome Fingers
Fun Website Quote
"Wear all five or just one or two at a time. Even one will get you the respect you deserve."
The Drippy Dragon
This dildo, modeled somehow after a dragon wang, actually shoots jets of spooge for all those situations in which you need something like that to happen.
Fun Website Quote
"Includes free 8oz / 250ml bottle of Bad Dragon cum-lube."
Enema Piss Rubber Pants
Waiting for us to explain how it works? Figure it out. We're done thinking about it.
Fun Website Quote
"The enema bag can hold 4 liters."
Zeus Electric Urethral Sound Kit
Fun Website Quote
"The Electrosex Urethral Sounds is not for beginners."
.
Extreme Ass Spreader
Fun Website Quote
"retractor opens up to 4" wide"
OK, we have to interject here. Why in the hell would you possibly need to stretch your anus four inches wide?
The Cannon
Is that a radiation symbol on the side?
Fun Website Quote
"The heft, thickness and range of this butt plug means you'll get a fulfilling stretch."
Strict Leather Dildo Face Harness
The thing is, every kind of sex has disadvantages, where you can't reach certain things or perform certain actions, or one partner gets left out of the pleasure. This product seems to perfectly combine all of those downsides into one device.
And are we crazy or is it physically impossible to breathe with that thing on?
Fun Website Quote
"This soft leather strap-on harness makes it easy to strap a dildo to your face."
Drilldo
So... we're not experts on this sort of thing but do people build up like, a tolerance to vibrators? To the point that they need them to vibrate way, way more than even the most powerful internal motor can drive it? To the point that in order to feel anything, you need an industrial power tool spinning your marital aid at several hundred RPMs and creating enough friction to spark spontaneous vaginal combustion in the process?
Fun Website Quote
"Yoga-like relaxing massage."
Universal Water Works System
This actually looks like a fairly standard piece of high-quality plumbing equipment you'd find at the hardware store, until you look closely at the largest black attachment. Then you realize this is for, as the site says, "intimate water play."
For extra fun, try to picture how the other attachments are used.
Fun Website Quote
"6'/ 1.828 meters of non-tarnishing, nickel-free, non-crimping flexible hose."
The Post Master
Fun Website Quote
"Post Master Kit contains the following: ... 1 Beret protector... "
Pogo Stick for 2
Fun Website Quote
"This Jack Hammer Johnson come with two cradles, two passion grips ... and all the necessary mounting hardware."
Darlex Straight Jacket
Fun Website Quote
"The hood is breathable but can restrict some airflow."
Masturbator Vee-String